Thursday, October 11, 2007

Why is marriage intricate and an extra marital/after committed affair a sin?

** The whole idea of this "note" is not to take sides to anything but to make a sincere effort to put forth the ideologies. Please refrain from getting personal and debate with an open mind.

I have been thinking about this strange topic for a while now. I have had debated hard and long with a few loyal, outspoken friends and colleagues of mine on why or what is marriage to them and if a breach in the relationship, say, an affair or an one night stand would hurt his/her relationship. A few people said "Oh yea! It does and I would say all quit". I thought. My pedigree friends thought.

We closed the conversation there and opened it up on a Friday night in an 'accepting' environ. The question that came to my mind was - In an extra marital who is responsible? Everyone has had gone through this 'intriguing' phase and not many have come out unscathed. I don't blame them. It is hopes bellied. But a finer thought, my brain figment always wants to this analysis, will not really hurt anyone.

To start with lemme give you a very contrasting debatable point: We live in a family and like normal, the food is made and all that. One day some one breaks the sequence and has the food outside the house. But the following day the sequence again continues from where it was left. Would that be unpardonable or something that should be like a heart burn? And when on the same line, if there is a sequence deviation say an affair, particularly extra marital affair, we immediately think this happened because the "Man" wanted to have Sex. Is'nt extra marital affair also related to both the sexes of human species? Why is it that we attach too much sentiments to the privates of our body and it's function. Why is SEX the delimiter? I mean should'nt it be normal like urinating or eating or walking or anything. Why have me made it into a situation and why have we classified it as a "bonus round" which you can get when you get married and that you cross "boundaries", it hurts the other person. Who is responsible for this? The man or the wife.

Now, this would not have gone well with anyone.

To add more, let's say, The topic needs a correction. It is not who is "responsible" for the extra marital affair that matters.It is who is "irresposible" that needs to be found out.If you are a responsible person, it means you value the relationship. If one is responsible, it means he/she is committed.If one is committed,you work to fulfil the obligations arising out of marriage.When there is lack of commitment, the deviation occurs.Lack of commitment is lack of responsibility.
Irresponsible in other words mean that both the MAN and the WOMAN are collectively responsible for an event like this. Remember, it takes two to tango?

That takes me off to a joke that I heard recently which I can relate much to the situation,
"A wife walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies" he responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males and 2 females" he replied.
Intrigued, she asked "How can you tell?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone" he responded.

That should be more like it. We got both to blame for what they have been doing.

The end result of an event defined by the society as Extra Marital is that the people in this era would feel pained and would feel betrayed. My friend got a bit worked by now and said "You can try to trivialize the whole thing with religion and any other philosophy you may want to use. Some of you may marry for sex only, but there are people who marry for love. If you can not distinguish between love and sex, you are missing out a lot in life!!! If you are married just for sex, you can become a swinger and change your partner every night. Who cares? If you are married because you love someone, even emotional affair of spouse can be extremely hurtful, let alone physical one!" and walked out creating a silence in the group. Thinking I was advocating the extra marital affair anyway!

We started again this discussion. I quipped and as I gulped another shooter, I said "On an unbiased note - without taking sides, what goes on between a man and a woman should not be the business of any other person unless the man and woman are doing anything in any way in breach of THE LAW of the Land.

As you know, the Law of the Land is not the same all over the world. Eskimos,I believe consider it their duty to offer their wives to their guests (This practice is called mehmanawazi in Urdu, milmastia in Pashtu, puranadari in Punjabi).Would this be an "Extra marital affair"? Would this mean that the relationship outside the marriage is acceptable and it is a subjective thing in which culture we end up using.

My friend came up with this fantastic explanation on what he felt. It was out of the box the way he related it and it made me feel he was making a compelling point hard to ignore. He said "For many of us, extra-marital affair is more than just relationship outside of marriage - it is betrayal of love, trust, and faith. I would relate an extra relationship to be like a natural phenomena say volcanoes, earthquakes, supernovas and even nuclear fission (atomic bombs). They are dramatic cases of dynamic equilibrium lost to "unbalanced forces". Loss of equilibrium (dynamic or static) leads to disintegration or catastrophe. An Extra Martial Affair(EMA) has such an effect on the dynamic equilibrium of a social system. So though EMA falls in the personal domain of the individuals involved, they are breaking a promise they have made to others which is an "unbalanced force". Since i'm presently part of the system, for my own self-preservation i cannot encourage/accept/tolerate anything which has the potential to disintegrate our social system"

Just when I thought this topic was dying down to an unanimous feeling, my friend made another startling point :

"If really a wife is unfit for sex due to some medical reasons or whatever it is, the man can always got to a prostitute for that purpose and forget her after half an hour act OR vice versa. This is happening for several ages in our history. This happens and happened in India.This will not spoil the married life. Here the person is not getting attachment with the call gal, he more often change the call gals in order not to face any fuss. His love towards his wife and persons related to his family remains the same. Also, a close look at the history of human evolution to date, we can realize that human was never hard-core monogamous even when he was a monkey. As he started becoming civilized he started making his own rules and laws. And what was against the liking of the head of the group never became a law. Slowly so it became a custom and the longer people followed it the more the believed in it to classify the laws and rules as beliefs and customs. And it is totally acceptable to express who you are and even if that meant an affair or an one night stand it is considered alright. But in some conservative set up, talk about sex is a taboo and sin. In India we prolong everything under the pretext of Marriage and if there is an emotional fall off between partners and if there is an another person who can substitute that feeling, then we feel antagonized. Perhaps let down because we feel that we have to start over again in life. Unlike the past this time there is a stigma attached by the same society that married you off. They classify you as a "Divorcee", "Separated" and many more forms of "status". Why is the feeling of importance given to some arbitrary people that form the society? As long as the partners are loyal to each other and express to each other their intent I think an one night stand is all OK. However it is a shock and a hurtful procedure when people don't get open about anything. That is when they start bashing one of the two sexes, claiming them to be responsible for this escapade."

I, personally, was quite satisfied in what he said finally. The main point of contention to me all along was the society set up is in India. I mean the whole marriage point is a butt of ridicule. I mean both in Christian or Hindu form of society, the marriage that happens in India is not valid because unlike priests in the west who have the power to be the "Registrar of Marriages" under civil law has the right to issue the marriage as legal and the Church is authorized to give "Certificates of Marriage". As far as I know neither Christian nor Hindu priests have any such authority in India and the "sacramental marriage" is legally void if not registered in the courts. Once registered all "marriage vows and deities invoked" cease to have any meaning. Yet, we follow the die hard custom there by making marriage more intangible and cryptic. May be more intricate. But do we get married only because the Church in west have more "legal" power than the east? This makes marriage intricate to me and puts me at lurch wondering what is the expectation. Being husband and wife is one thing, but being pronounced by a system that is not legally bounded appalls me.

When it comes to relationships before marriage it does not matter much coz you are not really stalking without that someone else noticing and getting hurt. To me it does not matter even if we end up expressing ourselves by having a few sexual exploits too but what becomes more important to a man and a woman is to know who can take the role of the partner and from there on be more communicative, express to each other and be open. It does not make more sense if one gets interested in another person after the marriage reason to me is not what my friend said. I don't attribute it to natural calamities like effect but rather it is the trust and belief that goes for a toss. May be most of whom I spoke with also said the same in the end. Debating why it is not bad is one thing but when it happens to one's life then it is an another 'sad' story to deal with a lot of introspection to do. In the end it is strictly how one wants to live his or her life. But how without hurting the partner physically and emotionally is one thing that everyone should be considerate about. In the end I give a "Thumbs down" to the extra marital relationship - physical form, as a substitute to the bride or vice versa.


23 comments:

Aditi said...

interesting arguments.. some hard to digest albeit...
in the end its an individual choice.. u can treat marraige as frivolously as u choose or as sacredly as u want

Rani said...

i will come back when i have more time. although gotta warn u i feel very passionately about this topic.. so u'll get some interesting input from moi

Keshi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Keshi said...

Serious topic Vik.

I can only say one thing. R'ships arent as easy as eating food from outside n forgetting abt it the next day.


And I agree with Aditi. It's such a personal decision. What's no-big-deal to me may not be the same to someone else.



Keshi.

Unknown said...

U are head on..for a while i will see both marriage and extramarital affairs as relationships with the same emotions( talking abt the emotional aspect cause one can have an extra marital affair even with out having sex outside marriage, again my opinion). When a rift is created between the two in a relationship(be it marriage)for any reason including the one i mentioned in my post..a person would definitely find solace in the comapany of someone else who he/she thinks understands and loves him/her better. That is the beginning of the EMA. It would be fine if the person was free to say no to the relationship that isnt working and start life afresh with the person who is better compatable which I feel is not wrong at all. But the society only makes it tough for the prson to end a thing like marriage and he or she is forced to stay in it inspite of the lack of love..but being human and craving for love he continues to have the EMA and this arrangement is definitely wrong.
So my point being if two people cannot have a fulfilling relationship they should be allowed to happyly seperate and not be labelled by the society and they shud be allowed to begin life afresh with the one they truly love. The society should be more understanding to the fact that sometimes marriages dont work and they cannot be forced to stay in it.
Did I make sense?:-)

Unknown said...

adding to my comment above...this way there will be fewer EMAs...

Incrediblyirrational said...

i did a similar mulling over after i watched unfaithful. Morality is an issue i choose not to discuss because its highly abstract.

the basic reason is we see sex as an expression of love, the need and want two people have for each other unlike the food you cook where there is no emotional attachment. ;P

so naturally when the husband goes in want of another woman, the wife assumes that she doesn't turn him on anymore and he's simply lost it for her.

we cannot deny that physical intimacy strengthens the emotional bond by manifold.

And secondly, the society treats a divorcee cruelly yes but the beauty of Indian marriage is built on the basic understanding that in many cases the silly little but potentially dangerous fights have their roots in the mighty ego. my parents have had the bitterest of times but their love survived...Always.

the powerful tool of divorce should be used only in extreme cases like physical abuse or an already dead marriage.

with each divorce it's like starting all over again. plus that insecurity, emotional trauma, loneliness, uncertainty about the future...OMG. if my reason for divorce outweighs all of the above, then i might consider divorce...

so in short ;P , that special someone of mine is stuck with me for good ;P

Vik Rajagopalan said...

@Aditi:

Thank you so much for your visit. I accept what you say eventually is about what you believe on an institution called "Marriage" and the tags that comes along with it.

However, it is a matter of personal choice, as you have mentioned. I accept it and appreciate your time. Actually if you think you can go in detail what your take is - instead of playing it overly safe.

Hey, I am open for debate and this topic was just for that.

Vik Rajagopalan said...

@Smarty:

Am waiting and counting. Don't forget to drop by later. Would like to know what you think.

Vik Rajagopalan said...

@Keshi:

That was just a speculative statement to start a topic. I did not mean to intersperse that as a variant form of a relationship.

I would like to hear more from you on this note. However it be your conviction, drop by sometime later and apprise me. Thanks for your time.

Vik Rajagopalan said...

@Shruti:

Firstly, thanks for dropping by and being quite so bold in what you said.

Gawd get outa my brain; what you wrote was exactly what I was thinking and I am glad you and I think the same way. I believe it is in openness of a relationship and marriage should be something that strengthens the belief and hope. However, knowing someone outside the marriage is not wrong, but when you get physical that is when the problem begins and to me, to blame a man fair and squarely is not the right thing. There is something that made a man and woman to love each other and when there is a rift between them, then there is the same something but onus should be on the two. However, what I don't approve of is to look for "sex" after marriage - the husband can be responsible for hating the wife, the wife can be finicky to think about sex after a particular "age". Then we have a problem because a break up at that stage means not damage to hearts alone but also the children. So that point of time the husband and the wife really should have to communicate and see what is the best way to solve that "interim" situation to save a marriage. Someone said "Falling in love is instant, but to save that relationship is difficult".

However, what you said can't really happen in a crude set up such as India. We claim so much and talk so much but in the end the Indians in India are quite hypocrites.

But it is refreshing to know a comment from you - being a girl, married, being a mother.

Appreciate it so much and take an hi-fi from me will ya.

Vik Rajagopalan said...

@Nitya:

Well said. I actually liked that last paragraph about the divorce part.

However, the reason why the sex between man and woman is such a big thing in India. We surely have to blame the idiotic culture we are so damn proud of - for no reason. Now, how different is a rape different from the sex in a relationship. Many people still reject their "Wives" (otherway around is not much known, even if it is not many would make a big deal) saying she was not loyal.

What I believe is at the end of the day it is a cool headed introspection rather than a blame game and figuring how to pass the buck.

Vik Rajagopalan said...

@ ALL:

Thank you so much for quite a number of open hearted comments. Just shows we took this topic in a healthy stride.

Appreciate your time.

♪♪Happy Go Lucky♪♪ said...

hey thnks 4 the comment..
n bout ur blog.. u feel the need for uniformity... but no offence... its when ppl like u compare relationships to ur daily routine that the rest become open minded but its really not worth becomin too open minded... n its a bit confusing n intriguing(thats wat happens when v try to generalise stuff related 2 sentiments).. bt u have a relly nice way of expresion... lookin 4wrd 2 more...
all the best

Unknown said...

:-)Hey Vik- I am honored..u blogrolld me and I took that liberty too..I totally agree ..it is actually eerie how we touched on the same subject on the same note on the same day..Do keep in touch and u r definitely my dose of daily read from now on.

balajee said...

I feel proud to see this debate that i had with my friend written in such a very articulate way. That too considering that we argued the facets of this sensitive topic over our dinner and Vikram :-), believed and argued that the idea of a sitting of sex post marriage was preposterous. When i explained a circumstance wherein the wife is unfit, sadly (just an assumption.Am not generalizing) is not fit for intimacy or is not attractive enough for intimacy what happens to the sex life? Should the husbad not have sex. You might argue - what about the wife in picture.. doesnt she want a similar things..? Though from the wife's point of view, i am admit that i am clueless, i have a belief that if we look at the issue of a abstinence isn't such a healthy living factor either. So in such an intricate and discomforting situation, is it such a wrong thing that the husband has a physical relationship with some other woman, of course, with the consent of the wife. My common question though still remains that should that ever happen to anyone of us, would you accept it or leave it with the same emotional bank balance to your spouses.

I would like to end with a disclaimer that what i have written is just a thought and i am not an expert in relationship either. I just aroused to this topic since it happened with one of my close relatives and I revere her for being so open minded when such a thing that i briefed about above actually occurred.

Thanks

Rani said...

at first i was gonna say what keshi said cant be compared by food - but then i saw ure response. soo .. anyways.. well having given it all to two relationships and both of them cheated on me physically with someone.. THAT HURT ALOT.
THIS WAS JUST A RELATIONSHIP - u know? i cant imagine being married and have my husband cheat on me. to cheat on someone is so cowardly. just seperate, just have the balls to break up.

lastly, marriage is something you dont enter into unless ITS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. ive seen two of my friends enter into one and only to have it fail. rest of your life is something people these days dont realize. most ppl marry cause well "its the age" and "we've been dating long enough" or some shit like that. OH YEA, i also think many ppl cheat becuase its EASY TO. whats gonna happen? divorce. oh well no biggie. no one is scared of divorce these days, its routine procedure. its soo routine, that you can find QUICK DIVORCE PAPERS AT THE LOCAL GROCERY STORE. sad huh???

may be if people respected marriage and its and their significant others - cheating wouldnt be something thats soo common. people dont respect each other and well REST OF URE LIFE doesnt seem that long when ure immature tying the knot. but when you wake up, live, eat, sleep with someone EVERYDAY and they become ure shadow --- 1 week seems forever.
SO according to me... if people were smart, really loved each other, RESPECTED each other and committed for real - rest of their lives would seem like yesterday. =)

there's very few reason's id want a divorce - any abuse and if the guy cheated on me. so this is obviously not ok with me.

Vik Rajagopalan said...

@Harini -

Thanks much for what you had to say again this was not about being "Open Minded" with anyone, just was a case on how you might react to a bizarre thing like the affair, relationships - before and after marriages, sex etc.. I am so passionate about all this mundane topics. :-)

Thanks for dropping by and don't ask me how I found your name.

Vik Rajagopalan said...

@Dickjee,

Don't want to start over again, we had our moments way long and I think you and I think pretty much the same stuff just that our ways of putting forth the point was like different. Whether you cut or shoot someone the outcome is the same and our ideologies were diffent when it come to chose which instrument to use to kill !

Vik Rajagopalan said...

@Smarty,

There you the power punch comments for my blog note :-) Thanks for what you said but you know what I am not going to mull over what you said coz I completely accept whatever you had to say and it is true indeed. The topic is such a tricky one in that you would be up all the night talking about it and in the morning you might be tempted to start from where you left. So I think we will let go of this though you and I are on the same page.

Rani said...

well well well... its a new age. vik agree's with me OR is too tired to debate. hahahaha

indicaspecies said...

Is it too late to express my thoughts? :)

To some, having sex may be as easy as walking, drinking or eating (out some day), which I understand, but in my opinion a good and successful marriage involves 'love' between two individuals. The 'love' in such a marriage involves a lot of complicated or simple, yet beautiful emotions.

Whether having an EMA is right or wrong depends largely on the mindset of the individual who has the affair and the spouse involved in that marriage. How many people who have an EMA would not feel at least an inkling of guilt while his/her spouse is kept in the dark about it?

Let's think for a moment that a person in a marriage thinks having an EMA is right. In such a scenario he/she goes right ahead with it and the spouse discovers it. What happens next?

Most likely, it is a devastating experience to the spouse. Trust is shattered and consequently their relationship may never be the same. Emotional scars may be a hard thing to deal with. There may be feelings of anger, hurt, embarrassment and thoughts of failing on the part of the part of the spouse who discovered the EMA. Rebuilding the trust and the damaged relationship may not be easy. It would be like a death knell to such a marriage.

At the same time, in certain cases, it is a possibility that an EMA is the best thing that can happen to a marriage. I guess it has also to do largely with different cultures. And oh, another thing: marriage can be a marriage of minds, not necessarily those who are legally wed.

Keshi said...

:)

well honestly u made alot of sense here..I mean whats the big deal after all...sex is something like hunger, thirst etc etc. But when ur committed to one person, we hv to follow some 'rules'. Thats what the society is like. Then again it's totally upto u isnt it?


Keshi.