Monday, September 08, 2003

Strangely for me today I am at my best as for as blogging is concerned.. Got all the flow that was missing.. So much to say so many things have happened in past 10 days that kept me away from blogging any activities..

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As i grow older and balder, the question of my identity is getting more twisted

whenever i see a blonde sorority girl, with perfectly plucked eyebrows, turn her snooty face away from me
whenever i see her boyfriend, big from all the beef, abercrombie and bitch, glare at me and then say something really funny to his ready to do it gf.
whenever i meet my colleagues in my lab and they go like "so you have bowling alleys in india?!! really? jeez"
whenever i meet my professor and he talks about him being the only white guy left in the lab casually in my presence
whenever i go the library and see someone look at me incredulously as if i have no right to be at the joseph heller shelf
whenever i walk back home and get eyeballed with pure disgust by big american ppl walking their american dogs who also seem to realise am not white
whenever i get asked by white people if iam a hindi and if i speak hindu
when i get vague 'ok's after i tell them am a hindu and i can speak hindi
when i get back to my apartment and get eyeballed by desis
when i get in and play rock music on the computer while KKDOOAPA is playing next door
when i watch desi flicks in the night on the computer and laugh and totally phase out
when i read american books
when i think of religion
is it just the language thats the problem or is it my attitude?
am i not indian?
i dont care if iam a hindu
i dont think iam a christian
iam a product of urban india
one of many confused ppl who cant figure out my identity
what does it mean to be an indian?
i hate indian politics and govt workers
i hate their sadistic guts when they make you run around the whole office for a signature
i hate my engineering teachers, total losers and misanthropes, sadists again
i hate my neighbours, when they peek into my house and gossip abt my family
i hate all those self righteous religious fucks who nod with disapproving empathy
i hate those people who beat up children so they can score 'centum's in maths
i hate those people who ogle at a white tourist like he is a god

why are we so in awe of everything western?
am not in awe of everything western cos am a so called anglophile

i think in english
i read english
i write english
i listen to english
i sing in english

thats it

plus i dont subscribe to any bigoted traditions and views

does that make me not indian?

so i must be superstitious, sanctimonious, US worshipping, bigoted, in love with bollywood films, in tune with anu maliks music, dying to play guitar for DDLJ's music, wear a kurta and pray and put vibhooti on my forehead, fall at the feet of sadistic 'elders',
say no evil, hear no evil, stand trembling at the visa counter...

to be an indian

well am a human being first and everything else next

so thats all my identity will be,,,in my own microcosm, i will listen to rock music, watch american sitcoms, read chuck palahniuk and JG Ballard and Joseph Heller, write in english, stick with pseudo-labeled little circles

tell all my colleagues that yes! we have bowling alleys in india, also we have pool tables!

yet, this is wht i really miss about home...chennai

home, idly,dosa, sambar, teashops,mylapore, marina beach, mental cops, crazy auto drivers, mylapore maamis, iyer uncles, rajnikanth movies,mallus,golts,dmk,admk,panneer soda, rosemilk, kulfi, smelly wineshops, smellier roads, dust, heat, sweat,water lorries, plastic pots, egg puffs, mallu bakeries, roadside chinese,chettinaad fish, chicken65,spencers,landmark,rickshaws,rock.

bessie, cozee, pandian wines(LOL), besant chinese roadside shop next to the bus stop,and then a movie at satyam and then chat at gangotree while ogling at stella mary's,rambling at landmark,..and then going to a teashop, tea and gold flake kings, and then buying clorets or ajantapaaku(LOL) to hide the beer smell. and then using all geographical skills to get home without being busted by a pot bellied maama..

thats what i miss

and yet am not an true desi right...am a pseudo anglophile who wont appreciate anything indian.

Cheers ~