Monday, September 08, 2003

feeling a little nostalgic, in a not nice way of course
happened to notice my email acct was almost full so proceeded to delete certain emails ended up deleting mostly none.. what is it with us people we are so scared of the future that we cling to the past too much i know people who never throw things away they hate to see old moldy stuff lying around and when they pick it up to throw it away they cant and they wont anyway, this email thing is bad u see all the old messages you received and it takes u back to a time when things were drastically different so many things everything in fact

people have changed
people have left
people have arrived

its more often the little emails where you email ur best friend in office to get his ass out so you can go loaf around town that are more nostalgic simple simple years
they seemed complex at the time, though and you think you know people, you dont
friends have changed they have their own lives now u are just a biweekly phone call to some your closest friends remain your closest because to them you either matter, or they are too polite, but maybe you are too..

and pretty soon all will have families and what not reminds me of my ripe old age of 23

iam ALL of 23 now and i dont want to lose any memory ..iam not deleting emails
iam not a clinical, practical person of course, nothing is permanent, blah blah

however, for atleast a moment and until senility, they will remain in my head little things or maybe again..

remembering happier times , realizing that iam grown up now that i have to look out for myself etc etc.. is not fun at all maybe alzheimers is natures way of coping
maybe memory loss at old age is not such a bad thing if its this bad at 23, i dont want to think how crippling it will be at 40(if my lungs beat the anti-cig soothsayers' odds ie)

and all those infuriating "quotable quotes" on change just stating the obvious
there is no utopia this is it, at the maximum cycle within cycle within cycle utopia can exist only in the future in imagining a beautiful future you beatify your past your past

then you have to wait for history to repeat itself ..different actors, same story
because i dont want to believe that there will be happier times than then because the future can go wrong but the past was just right