I am back.

Guess what, I am back in this world and I am going to write back again. Why was I away? Well, usually when people hit a milestone they go and rest. And it happened to me also. No, I did not get married or whatever, I hit a milestone of 200 posts last year in October and that put me to rest for almost a year. Many things changed and lot of positives and few negatives. Life is good.

Top 10 Tough Laws in the World

Ignorance is no defense – especially when it comes to ignorance of the laws in countries you plan to visit. While it may seem natural to study some of the general customs and laws in major foreign countries you might not expect, for example, to have to look for strange law changes in somewhere like Florida. Most places in the world are relatively easy to get along in. Some strange laws are nothing more than folklore. Every once in a while, though, you’re going to run into something a bit off the wall and it’s important for you to be prepared in advance.

10. DON’T FEED THE PIGEONS (ITALY)

In Italy it is illegal to feed the pigeons. Ok, that’s a bit of a blanket statement. The rule actually has the potential to change from city to city. Make sure you leave the pigeons alone while you’re in Venice, though – the locals are tired of cleaning up pigeon poop. You’ll also want to avoid jumping into fountains, walking around without your shirt on (would you DO that as a tourist), and sitting on the sidewalk to eat your lunch. Fines range from a warning to monetary infractions anywhere from $50 to $600.

9. EATING IN PUBLIC (UNITED ARAB EMIRATES)

Before you leave for the United Arab Emirates you’ll want to make sure you aren’t visiting during Ramadan. During that time you are not allowed to eat or drink in public during fasting hours (ie. daylight hours) at all. Think we’re kidding? Tourists have been fined up to $275 for drinking juice in public. Avoid public displays of affection as well unless you want to spend a few months in jail.

8. DON’T PAY IN CHANGE (CANADA)

Ever have the urge to empty your piggy bank of quarters and run down to the corner store? Don’t do it in Canada. The Currency Act of 1985 prohibits consumers from using unreasonable amounts of coins to pay for purchases. This means you can’t pay for an item in all coins (especially if it’s over $10). Even the use of dollar-coins is limited. The shop owner has the right to choose whether or not he wants to take your coins but doesn’t have to.

7. WASH YOUR CAR (MOSCOW)

In the beautiful city of Moscow it is illegal to drive a dirty car. The definition of dirty, however, is up in the air. Is a dirty car one on which you can draw pictures in the dust? Does it hide the license plate? Does it make the driver invisible? We suppose you’ll find out if the police poll you over but the fines tend to be whatever the police decide to charge you – unless, of course, you offer him a bit of cash.

6. LEAVE YOUR HEADLIGHTS ON (DENMARK)

Studies in Denmark have shown that vehicles with their headlights on are more noticeable by other drivers than those who have their headlights off. You’d think this law would apply to night driving but it doesn’t. Drivers here are required to leave their headlights on during the day as well or may face a fine of up to $100.

5. DON’T STOP ON THE AUTOBAHN (GERMANY)

You’ve heard of the Autobahn, right? The notorious German road where there are no speed limits? Make sure you fill your gas tank BEFORE you get on this daunting road. It’s illegal to pull over on the side of this road for any reason and, if you do, it’s illegal to get out and walk. You are, after all, endangering the lives of the people who are still driving at warp speeds.

4. PUT YOUR SHIRT ON (THAILAND)

In Thailand it is illegal to drive a car or motorcycle without a shirt on – regardless of how hot it is that day. Punishments range from verbal warnings to tickets costing about $10. This is no joke – the local police will pull you over.

3. DON’T KISS YOUR LOVER GOODBYE (FRANCE AND ENGLAND)

Love died a little bit on April 5th of 1910. Lovers spend so much time kissing each other goodbye at train stations that trains were actually running late. The law is relatively old, though, and really isn’t enforced today – in France, that is. In Warrington Bank Quay in England, however, you’ll be asked to move your goodbyes to the “kissing zone.”

2. WEAR A COVER UP (GRENADA)

The folks at Grenada really do have a point. Cruisers visiting the beaches for day excursions have taken to strolling city streets in nothing but their bathing suits. In order to reign in a sense of decency, the city has instituted a fine for those who aren’t wearing decent clothing off of the beaches. Fines can reach up to $270 but the local tourist boards would like you to believe that the law is not enforced. Perhaps its best to simply cover up rather than trying to find out for yourself.

1. NO GUM CHEWING (SINGAPORE)

Those with gum chewing habits may want to call it quits before heading to Singapore. The government really wants to keep the city clean and will fine you for chewing gum, feeding the birds (it causes poop) and forgetting to flush a public toilet. The only legal gum you can chew is Nicorette but you have to get it from a doctor and they will give your name to government officials to confirm you’re allowed to have a wad in your mouth. These aren’t the only strange laws around the world but they’re certainly worth noting. Make sure you do your research before leaving on your next trip. Better safe than sorry!

And the drum rolls...

Well just so we know what the occasion is, this is my 'supposed' 200th post. So long ! And also speaking of which just shows how as humans we expect some weird adulation for every small thing that happens around us. Kill a spring buck, oh not that, kill a squirrel at an age of 5 makes you a hero and some followers hang around, join a super cool school, college, get a girl friend, get a swanky car, get an amazing gadget, get a job, that cool pay hike, more pay hike, trip to some exotic land far far away etc etc... now don't know if all this stems out of insecurity or what, but I reckon, men (along with women that is and domesticated creatures (that have been living closely with men)) expect such adulation and not the wild creatures. Wonder why?

Anyway, I should be more often able to frequent this space. I am getting this writers sickness. Have lot of things to write but it just does not flow south to the pen. Sadly.

Later

Sad state of affairs.

"Red light zone" in India is such an apathy. You don't remain stone hearted when you know get to know the stories. How much of a trick people play - parents, siblings, husband, wife and other external sources - call it poverty, income issue where you don't know how to bring the food on the table.

I was appalled not by the other known issues that do the round within India (poverty etc), but to see that the heartless and senseless people end up having small infants next to them when they get forced into this act. Children look around and it is their brain that gets so influenced that eventually the parent will not be able to correct them or whatever coz the child when they hit the Teens will surely turn around and call their parent a 'slut'. So eventually, the child is either going to take into the profession much earlier than they should - thanks to the ever increasing orgies of men and women around us !Some of the women there would definitely would like to touch that emotional chord by saying they were forced into the profession. Some could actually be telling 'true tales' but whatever it is the pictures indicate a sad story to a mighty big extend. Why can't we fucking leaglize sex just for all this sad things to happen and operate outside the homes? Atleast we are not hurting the future generation, that's the least we can do. Why can't Indian government sell sex toys to a good extend to Indians? That way they would know who to pick and certainly not a lactating women. Come on for christ sake....

Come to think of it, can Dowry in form of 100-150 soverigns of gold, car, home, land etc that come along with the girl when people get married, will that make them a slut or are we free to make a different classification because it happens in a different league? Perhaps they would call it punctilio of the family! It all started in Europe,yea Dowry started off from there. But Asians have come to understand the nitty-gritty of how to get a maximum mileage out of this concept. That is one reason why this has come to stay like that black spider in Spiderman :-)

We all end up thinking and beating ourselves for all the wrong doing. I guess as long as we have that punctiliously defined out right - we are following our actions defined by our lineage, culture and every one is happy. So long my friend....

Eventful day

Today is when I bought my own car... Woo hoo. I will add pictures of the beauty that I own but it is yet to sink in much. I keep reminiscing about what LP sang when I get into this zone.

Yea, I own Maruti Suzuki Swift VXI with ABS - silver grey with all cool wheel upgrade. Awesome. I am waiting to get my hands on the Stereo once that happens I would be very excited. It is right now a check between JVC and Pioneer.... Life with options at every stage in life, isn't it :-) Oh I am not married yet, just if you thought I got the car by something as cheap as a Dowry !!! Moralistic man, respect.

Podcast me,oh the trend!

Thought about the funny evolution the world is going through - change (read it with all caps). Be it education, structure or execution of anything there is a whole lot of perception changes, the paradigm shift I would like to call.

Ages back the way project was executed (read it as anything) was not derived or based on a particular way of standards. Top corporations seem to be catching up with lost time purely by adapting to the difficult approach that is outsourcing and offshoring (still not many know the difference between the two!). But my note here is not about either of them. Instead it is about another change that has simply swept everyone off their feet - podcasts. This rather simple - apple owned, term is amazing to believe how much it has become the rule-of-life for any knowledge sharing or best practises.

Hard to believe that Apple claims it has 1,00,000 podcasts in its stores. Hard isn't it? To again retrospect and feel that in such a short span of time since its evolution to have got a ground like this is a fantastic achievement as such. Four years back no one knew about this, now every a college going teen knowns what this is and how to use it in the optimal way. I am always a big fan of technology and improvements, to me this is a massive way forward. As we move ahead, we have ensured that we don't leave breadcrumbs behind to know where we started from. This is change is going to stay and for all my money will improve a zillion times with time.

(Isn't this the same way an USB port started coming in desktops to begin with and with time it is so exclusive that no computer is accepted as a computer without an USB!).

Magic of change. BTW, there is a podcast for change too :-]

Oh morals wherefore art thou?

I was itching to write up an article soon after 'officially' it was announced that Indians are targeted in Australia and slowly it caught up the imagination of people and became the breakfast-lunch-dinner news for days and into weeks. Are we right with our cutthroat analysis and the 'sensationalizing' attitude to petty information? Now, don't get me wrong I called it 'petty'.

Let me list what my take is on this whole tamasha. Now, in any country there are certain places you should not go to - no matter alone or in a group esp when you don't specialize in violence at any point of time in your life (and FYI, specializing on violence is not about like beating up your brother or some animals and emerging a victor!) . A group is no power when people retards are tagged in one side in the other side. Well, in the US, the downtowns are the most dreaded spots where the black form a group and harass people. I was called up at one time from the back and I did not react to that call from them and my friend and I walked (my friend wanted to respond to the call by going to them!) It still chills my spine wondering what would have happened if we had reacted. But the simple fact is "losers" are part of any society. It is about how you are sensible enough to avoid them. So people who don't exercise this will eventually get mugged. That happens in India too. Isn't it?

Common sense is not common as they say is the more important reason for what happened and how it happened in Australia. Indians for some reason seemed to have larger interest on residentship and all that which stopped them from lodging a complaint to the cops. This just makes me smile on how gullible people become and eventually blinded by this whole 'interest'. Isn't protecting yourself foremost important than coming to India with one eye or one hand and say 'mate I am an Australian'? I always believed in one thing - 'Action - consequence' chain and what happened to most of the gullible people is the consequence to the action they chose.

Coming back to the main point, Is India a racial free country? We take extreme measure to go and tap everyone's table whenever we think they are doing something. Yea, what the Indian government did by intervening is good but it is like the 'top selling hypocrisy' that will surely rock the best sellers table ! We, in India, have a religion wise divide, linginuistic divide, region wise divide, skin color divide. We beat up the deep lower middle class people and make them get into sewers and mind you these jobs are only for these people. We call ourselves 'non racial' and to me it is beyond any doubt that we are trying to do a political puppet show to satiate the people who voted them to the position. And irony is that the 'developed' countries will never be in a position to counter react when they are classified as 'racial'. Funny thing is it is like that killer blow, it is like the this - a lean guy can call a person 'ugly fat' guy but when the fat guy calls a person a 'lean' guy, it is offensive :-]

Haven't we done horrendous acts of crime to the foriegn nationals when they are in India? The political heavy weights get involved and bury the case because there was a same religion tag team that worked that time.

People beat the shit of students and many others just like the losers in Australia, did that make India a racist economy? When Indians burned down trains when some petty same 'religion' motto was compromised, did that make India a racist economy? When youngsters get beaten/women burnt by junkies as a result of ragging or for non compliance of some practices from the past, did that make India a racist economy? When we sent 'certain' sect of people only into 'live, smelly' sewer pipes, did that make India a racist economy? When we have the classification and Or is it that the nomenclature - rascism is defined and practiced when it is appropriate or needed?


We all feel it is an opportune moment to send in a hard punch to Australia by calling it 'racist economy'. Are we right? Perhaps vindicated for some things that happened in the past ... Might be.

Yo mayte ! if you did not like what I wrote, me thinks you are a racist !!

so long so long...

When did I last visit this place? Ah... six months back. That is some time and I cannot imagine how time flies. Lot of things happened in that period. I wanted to write but I did not have the urge to go on. New found hobbies, attacks, more attacks, elections, recession, more recession and then into 2009 and it has just hit the ground running. I am still to come to terms with the very fact that 4 months have gone by so soon.

Now there is a psyche attached to people who want to vent their feelings or perhaps say what they want to, that they don't get a medium to say things. Interestingly the lull follows soon after. I was caught up with this lull and now am wanting to write, the thoughts desert me.

Having made the attempt I will however write more often. So long ....

They say - What goes around comes back around !!

Well this is not any grudge message or anything. Just a fair remainder on how certain things existed in the past, perhaps 80-100 years ago in imperial India when Banks were truly existential for the westerners who were ruling us then. The 'aam-admi' (read common man) then could not right royally walk into any bank and do their regular deposits or withdrawals. Now, with time things evolved to a state that now every bank be it whatever nature - Investment or Captive or Corporate, they want a piece from the developing country. No where in the world Banks make that much purely from the collections perspective as they would do in India.

In the US, the security number and the credit history would ensure whether you get a 2 or 3 or 5% interest, in India you have a standard 11% on Bank loans or 23% on credit cards or 15% on personal loans. Kinda kinky isn't it? That beside the point of my claim, going back to times when our grand parents called the shots, they would have had something like Suruku Pai(read as an affordable purse! This was a traditional purse for the Indian women some 100-150 years before Guccis or Vuittons came India's way) or a piggy bank where the initial savings used to be kept. With the current blow up operation where we see that our hard earned money which we think is safe in an investing bank just goes right out of the window into an 'abyss'. No one has a clue on what happens to them in trying times as these. Now this brings us back to a very important question we have to ask ourselves, Are banks actually safe with our money or do we go back to Suruku Pai times and hope to have a good night sleep atleast knowing that money is right next to me? Am I over reacting to this situation? Yes and a No to this. Can you imagine a bank which is 350 years old, which survived the 1920 depression and now claims bankruptcy? What happens to the money in the bank? I was told that any account that had more than 70,000$ would be frozen and would not be available for the people? Can anyone beat that statement? It is after all the person who is living in the county, who is owing the money. Many banks and investment banks have just brought it upon themselves just because of the greed and competition to make more money added to total disregard to the investors money.

So why did the global financial meltdown begin? Who is responsible to this nerve wrecking piece of work? To me, it begins in the US and ends in the US. I honestly believe that the greed rests in US which prompts other greedy dorks around the world to look greedy. Now imagine the Subprime situation in the US? Who brought that up? If you did not know what it means, it is just that NINJA loans [‘No Income, No Jobs and No Assets’] that led to this. A person who did not have ability to repay loans were given write offs obscene loans to an extent like 1,00,000 $. The bubble was being created there, then and it led to the greed among everyone to make it big. More loans, more offenders,no liability to the money they all took - the bubble was so big by now that it was time the burst was evident. And rightfully after the burst, the money was just gone, houses came back to the Banks because of defaulters.

Now, the million dollar question, why is my money is in danger? I am not even in US, I could be a farmer in Japan or Finland but still my money is under threat. How? how the banks were tied to the defaulters? Read this article here to get an idea how the whole laundering act took place. This would give a very good idea on the global melt down.

Man, for one, will combat terror, fight in unimaginable altitudes to save the country, will work 23 hours in a day to satisfy himself, does all he could to woo women of any kind and vice versa but when it comes to money loss, it shatters the complete desire to exist. Money has grown to have such a strong writing in our psyche.No money, no nothing. We now have come to an stage where we just cannot trust anyone for anything they would say. Your money is under threat, you are under threat. So do we retreat back to the old days where we would keep our money in a piggy and imagine the good ol' pal is taking care of your money. Will our ego let us come down to that state? Will our greed to quadrapole or hexapole the money allow us to do this? Will we be safe in this world? Has our old, dirty past come back alive from the grave to bite us in our back? Karma..... the piggies are no longer the forgotten creatures, they seem to have come around and now I see the smiling piggy in my desk, it tears me to bits !!

And the award night...

Well, Aarti, just threw an award away towards my direction, just threw it all away I think :-). So here are the trumpets glaringly loud, the drums rolling, the people anxious, the award goes to - Dudleybouy.

Animals and Men

Ever realized that man can be compared to any one animal at any point of time. When he gets dirty, compare him with a pig (on the hindsight, Pigs are quite clean), when he loyal, compare him with a dog and so on so forth. But ever wondered there is one innate characteristic of a person that cannot be compared with any animal and that would be using others for his own personal benefit. Read this is not about comparing with Grasshoppers where the female actually starts eating the male's head when they mate, the stupid male dies without knowing. It is part of their existence, that is the deal Grasshoppers got when they came to Earth. That is how they procreate so there is no escaping that fact. So let's not go there.

So people with this characteristic (insecure, haplessly pathetic) who think they are always right and think they should control other person's life all the time should seriously get help. An Idiot disguised as a Friend (thank god I knew the true colors now !!) went on a advise spree as to what I should write and post in the Blog world and say what I should do to change my thinking. And fundamentally his problem was that he thinks it is unethical to write this and that. LOL, sad part of this is that the jerk did not know what "Ethic" actually is. The idiot if ever will read this paragraph will know who I am talking about. But such is the experiences life offer us and it is all about how much we learn from it. I always wondered how animals did not exhibit such traits - the back stabbing. Or may be I don't know if they existed.

Anyway, that beyond the point, he is worth nothing anymore but I was thinking how easy it is in the Animal kingdom to draw an analogy to every human action. In your experience have you ever encountered some human acts that cannot be compared to the any animal extinct.

Funny ones

I was random surfing the internet when I chanced upon some real 'funny' pictures from here. Go on be my guest to see what this is all about - when logo's go absolutely wrong.

doughboys - pizza - salad - panini … and something extra?

Kudawara - What kind of pharmacy is this?

Megaflicks - Not the best font for this word

Dirty dirty... This is a Lamp :-) :-)


This one is terribly wrong. Really. I can't help laugh everytime I see this :-)
Arlington Pediatric Center - Loving the kids a little too much

A-Style - Realy classy



Definitely Chinese.

Dental clinic - This seems to be popular

Yo! What's with this attitude?

Well I was meaning to write this yesterday but thanks to the media hogging the time sphere with there relentless show casing of the blasts in Delhi and what they think of the situation, I chose to wait for a bit. I was a bit sad at what is transpiring in this country.

To get the stats right, it seems there has been 20 terror strikes in 2 years time in India. And worst still there has been seven strikes this year (leaving the Jammu bombings, it is a normal affair there!). So what has the country/county done to avert the situation?!? In the US it happened and we know Bush is F'ing mad at Iraq for some reason, It happened in UK and there was some action taken.. But even after the seven serial blasts, the terrorists seem to be at large. Earlier they used to bomb and run the shit out of the place, now with technological advancement they communicate to the government about the bombing, place which is going to blow off and they bomb at will.

Here we are sitting and dealing with lot of stressful conditions like working our ass off, pay taxes in time, deal with the stupid x factor - inflation sitting at 12.04%(No other sensible country has this sort of a percentage going. My prev blog notes talk about this percentages in countries and you would find hopelessly pathetic countries taking the hit!), struggle to get any remotely girl like thing, we don't need bombings to make our already sorrow life to even remorsefully bad.

But that beside the point, in most of the attacks this year, particularly, I found a pattern. That is the day after the bombings - don't matter the magnitude, the people (read the survivors) got out to the open and started going to work as though nothing happened. The news channels and the ministers took a hint out of it and started calling it "The Spirit of the City" is what you see.

Is it really the spirit of the city that is making these people go to their respective jobs [OR] is it the indifferent feeling that people would have deep down? I wish I had known what this reaction meant. I will not be able to say or feel what it is unless we experienced any such bomb attacks. I am sure how this government would react to the people who would be running around like headless chicken ! They would issue notices to the smart still elusive terrorist group that 'we will catch you and whip your candy ass'.

And so the terrorists would continue to do what they do, the government would continue to do what they do, the headless chickens read the people would do what they do - In between all this, there would be this feeling sticking out in some people - Is this indifference or is this spirit of the city or is this people's response to their fate hanging lose or is it all the Y Factor - Karma?

I don't know, I don't feel anything, anymore. The more hate and anger towards the country, may be. Tomorrow I would become a headless chicken hanging loose - who knows, who knows...?

Games Indians Don't Win

Well this was a very interesting write up on why India does not come home with all medals in any event in big game forum.

Interesting read

Back from my hiatus

It was just getting to my nerves the amount of time and endless fight within myself dealing with people with varying capabilities at work. It was finally a situation like water under the bridge or over the bridge, we had to let it all go and I decided it would be wise to take a break and relax by going to a vacation. It was a mixed feeling the whole vacation but was wiser when I got back to think how some people, no matter whom you treat as friends and not acquaintance, will sometimes take you for granted and make a super dumb fuck out of you. Sometimes wonder what people do to boost their ego, well I guess you do this then you become alone in this world. End of story. I am glad I could learn how to deal with this experience and handle it so calm.

Anyway, that was not my point anyway, I had a surprise blood donation camp today at work and it was a super feeling to give blood to someone. Atleast think like that because if there are no takers for my blood group then chances are high that it might be thrown out to the drains. But I am sure this city is so big and vast someone would get benefited. I still have a big lump popping out of my right arm after the blood donation. They say it is good to donate blood every six months. It is a good thing after all the blood gets regenerated. So we lose nothing. Next time around if there are any blood donation camps, just give it a shot to see how you feel.

Back to the regular mundane chores of life, I would pen more frequently now.

And the power of the man goes for a toss !!

When ever I listened to Snap singing "I have got the power", Yea that old timer electronic pop song, I walked with pride and that smile seeing the women acknowledge. Then came the new age toys for the grown up ladies and men still did not lose their ground or territory. They knew they "had the power", if you know what I mean, Now, it seems all the men on planet Earth sure would be a bit touchy and would be losing the ground when they read this information. This "link" is just the last nail on the men's coffin. The scientists hit men below their belt. No literally [:-)]

For now on, the Lesbians too can bear children but the biggest question would be how they would look like. For their are no evidences now as to how the end product would be as a result of this exercise.

So until then, to all the men who are in a relationship, who seek to find a partner, who are letting go of their partners,who hump anything that moves, this is your last chance. Go for the kill and take control of the stock, if you know what I mean!

Why calamities shouldn't happen in Chennai?

Ah, you would have thought I was one of those philanthropist thinking high for the people. Sorry to burst your bubble. This is out of frustration that I wanted to vent my feeling. I mean for a few days now "Chennai is reeling under Petrol crisis". Now this was absolutely worsened by the panic stricken men who kept filling their Cars, Bikes, Barrels, Wife's mouth etc etc with petrol where ever they could lay hands on.

So technically the problem as they say was that "Diesel" read NOT PETROL which was scarce. Now what the people have done is to ensure Petrol is a rare commodity too because of their preposterous and overzealous reaction. I mean, I sure think they would have started drinking petrol thinking they could use it some other time. Mabbe these petrol guzzlers should not fart too while someone lights their match or whatever, for their back side would be on fire and the ONGC is going to think, they found a new "gas" reserve !

Now what has happened because of this reaction is that they have etched their name as 'bad' people in tough times. I mean I saw people coming to petrol stations with Barrels man. And on the same note, we work in a place so darn close to the Beach and on Friday there was a prediction of Earthquake resulting in Tsunami (whatever) and you should see the way people crawled down the 13 floors. I mean you can listen to women talk about their in-laws, food plans for the evening and laughing around :-)... So I don't understand how the system works in this part of the world. People show urgency and clamor to things which could be better handled if they maintained composure and show utter disregard to things where one should be a bit diligent.

Anyway, there should be no calamities here for it would be one jokers paradise to see them all do things and perish. Amen!

What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03) created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Hedonism Your life is guided by the principles of Hedonism: You believe that pleasure is a great, or the greatest, good; and you try to enjoy life’s pleasures as much as you can. “Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die!” More info at Arocoun's Wikipedia User Page... Hedonism 95% Existentialism 90% Strong Egoism 85% Justice (Fairness) 75% Kantianism 70% Utilitarianism 65% Apathy 50% Divine Command 35% Nihilism 15%

Joke time.

Gorilla Control

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

"Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated."

"Great," says the man. "But what's the gun for?"

"In case I fall down instead of the gorilla -- shoot the dog."

The Scottie Dog Who Knew Karate

There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog."

And the clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate."

The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair."

The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said "Karate my ass!"

Elephant Time

A young man is wandering around the zoo looking at the animals. He suddenly remembers about an appointment that he scheduled. Unfortunately, he forgot his watch. He searches for someone who could give him the time.

He sees a zoo keeper standing next to an elephant. "Excuse me, sir," says the young man "Do you know what time it is?"

The zoo keeper reaches under the elephant, grabs his balls and starts playing with them.

"Mmmmm, it is about 3:00," the zoo keeper responds.

The young man looks at him in awe, "How did you know that?" The zoo keeper looks back at the man, "I looked at the clock on the wall right behind you."

Penguins Go to the Zoo

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.

He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"

The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."

The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."

"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."

"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."

Surprise Package

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. "Hello there," says the man, "and what is your name?"

"Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"

"I'm Jim."

"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??"

"Sure!" replies Jim, "Let's go!"

So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. "Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk," Jim says.

"Yes? And what about it?" asks Stacey.

"Is it your brother?"

"No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.

When he finally asks, "Is it your husband?"

Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" Jim was relieved.

"Then, it must be your boyfriend!"

Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!!"

"Then, who is it?" Jim asks.

Stacey replies, "That's me BEFORE my operation!!"

Tight Skirt, Bus Stop

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Long Time Drinker

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll you have?"

The skeleton says, "A beer and a mop."

An Atheist and a Bear

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

English Patient

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.

The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!

Rooster Prozac

Why was the rooster so unhappy?

Because he only got laid once and it was by his mother.

Rabbit Breakout

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.

"I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one.

"I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second.

"I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."

Drunken Man and Blonde

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"

The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big boobs."

First Cut is the Deepest

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, "Hey, what're you in for?"

"I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried," said Tim.

"Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!"

"Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?"

"I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is," Sammy answered.

"Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!

Stumpy and His Wife

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Marital Counseling

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

Third Opinion

Three Doctors are dicussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.''

Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.''

Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.''

Grandma

What's that wrinkly thing on Grandma?

Grandpa.

Is Brinda Parekh a Man or Woman?

P.S look more intently at the what you see in the groin area [:D].. Quite confused as such.